A letter to Jenn....

I know I haven't blogged in a long time. This morning I had an intense dream and I had to write a letter to my cousin Jennifer. Here is my letter to her.

"Hey, I'm writing this to tell you something. Today I woke up from my bed in a crying fit. I mean full on crying. I cried because I really missed your Dad, and I cried for you. Even as I'm writing this I'm still crying. I miss your father terribly, he never judged me and he was my favorite. Every memory I have I cherish them. As for you, well in my dream I saw your pain. All the pain that I know you have been through and the pain I can't even imagine. With all these things that occur in your life your heart is still beautiful. You continue where many would have given up. I love you my cousin and I have not forgotten you. I have no ulterior motives and to be honest I don't understand why I'm writing this to you but something inside me tells me I must. I cried for you not because for pity but out of inspiration and and yes empathy. Just know "Buddah" got your back, I love you."

My uncle was great, though he had his flaws. I miss him so much. My cousin Jennifer has been through so much. I love her too. And for those wondering I stopped crying at the exact moment I hit send on that letter. I still don't why I wrote this or even why I shared this with you guys. My gut just told to do it. And now my gut is telling me it's breakfast time. Later y'all

R.I.P. Tio Johnny. I miss you. "Sabor con Salsa"

Wanted: One manual for slightly used brain.

I need a cool opening for my blogs, hmm.... Welcome true believers- wait that's taken. Oh well I will try this another time. As a child your parents, teachers, family members and so on, start to instill in us that we can do anything and we are all smart. We are told to achieve more and strive for greatness. Reach for the stars! Well I don't know about you guys but this happened to me so bare with me, I have a point. About the time I hit my teens people who once told me I was so smart started to say different things like"Don't be smart with me stupid" and "If your so smart why are acting so dumb?" Now I'm being told "So you got a 100%, what do you want from me?", "You ain't nothing special", and things like that. Praise has now turned to negative criticisms. With all this new found negativity I like most kids in their teens ignored it and block it out with rebellion. Around the time I turned 15 my home life started to crumble, My dad became addicted to drugs and then deathly ill. My step mom fell under pressure and secretly started using drugs as well. I cut class to work in a supermarket packing bags just to make a couple bucks to buy food for my family. After some time my father regained his strength and I returned to class. Because of my time out I fell behind and my grades dropped. I started getting the "You showed so much potential. What happened?" speech from my teachers. All that negativity started to get through my "whatever" shield. I became frustrated and started cutting class with my friends.

I Love my friends!

The rest is history and I hope to turn my history into a book one day. Anyway, many years have past and while doing personal exploration (Soul searching. You guys are DIRTY MINDED!) I realized i still feel like "I ain't nothing special", and all that negative crap stood with me. I think it is a major reason why I am the way i am health wise and professionally. So here I am now trying to reprogram my mind. Trying to get rid of all that negative brainwashing. Damn i wish God gave us a manual with this thing we call a body. This isn't a cry for help or me getting down on myself. It's me trying to understand me. Now I see this and I now I can try to fix it. I'm gonna end this thing with a video my best friend made me. It makes me smile every time.


Yes he misspelled my name!

FML.....Feed Me Lunch

I know I haven't written anything in a long while. Well it's because quite frankly
I wanted to quit. Don't freak I didn't mean on life anything crazy like that. Let me explain, in the beginning of the month I finally spoke to my investigator for school safety and it turns out that because of mistakes made myself and School Safety, I will not be joining the class. I also missed an exam because my mailbox was broken. So I pretty much got screwed by the universe. Well I know everything happens for a reason, but with all this happening I fell into a funk. To add to my funkiness I haven't been focused on dropping weight and I have noticed I am falling back into my old eating habits. I'm afraid I might even have put on a few more pounds. So what am I going to do about you ask? Well I'm going to get all my papers in order for School Safety, I need that job more than you can imagine. I am now looking up some major diet ideas and I will hit that gym hard. My life isn't gonna get better by just sitting on my butt. I have to push my self. I have to make major moves. My son is my inspiration, he has grown so much in the past year. My son is beginning to read and he is just showing new things everyday. He isn't a baby anymore. So now I have a plan now to put it in action.

Single Fat dude in search of a sammich...

Hey guys, welcome to another blog for your favorite fat security dude. Lately I have been in a funk, really confused on what my next move is gonna be. I haven't heard back from the job I have applied for. I am really not sure whether or not I got the job. I am an impatient person. *sigh* I hate waiting, I really wish they would just tell me yes or no. Anyway, let me move on. I have been really down because I freakin' lonely. Waah! I know. I miss being having "that" kind of person to talk to. For those of you who don't know me, I'm not the type of guy who runs around who different chicks trying to be a player. Don't get me wrong, i want to date and meet new people. I'm not into just looking to mess with random chicks like that. An ideal situation would be for me to meet a person and just get to know each other. I know that sounds massively fruity but whatever. So those two things have been bugging me. Fuck it I need a puppy. Well within the next week or so I should hear something and in regards to the chick thing, I'm working on it. I'm gonna make it do what it do baby! Okay I'm out turkeys, see y'all next Bat-time.

Sitting here eating some good thinking of something bad!

So now what? I'm sitting here in a Baskin Robbins having a scoop of badness. I'm looking out the window at people walking by. Looking at chicks walking by and more at couples walking by. I'm not looking at dudes like that!!! I'm looking at how they look as a couple, and how I look better than half of them. Okay a third of them, we are in the Bronx mind you. With all these observations I think, how can I get my swagger back? How do I get back into that meeting people mind set. Chicks have it easy, guys will talk to any chick. No I don't want dudes to try and pick me up! I have a lot to offer a chick. I'm smart, funny, fairly decent looking, loyal, honest, I cook, clean, I'm a great dad, and a TRUE Puerto Rican just name a few. (If ya not sure what the last means drop me a message.) All I want is a faithful, honest, thick chick who can cook and keeps herself and her place clean. I'm equal opportunity. (Female only) Oh yea she has to be willing to try different things.(code word for a Freak in the Bed) I figure I should be able to find that easily in the Bronx or even NYC. This blog post isn't an ad or a cry for help. I'm venting and I realizing its time to put myself out there. And in closing if any of you guys wanna introduce me to a friend..... Cool hook me up son! j/k

Thinkin' thinkin' thinkin'

In the past few days alot has happened in my life. Since this is my blog you are gonna read about it, or not. Well for starters I have received a notice for a position that I was tested for a year ago, it's not a definate thing but it's a chance. I'm getting ready for that upcoming appointment. Also today I went to my doctor's appointment for my legs. I found I actually lost 11lbs, and that I didn't have an arthritis issue. The doctor told my that it was Gout, I know gross. That's right I have uric-acid crystals in my blood stream and in my joints, I have pee crystals in my legs. AAAAAAHHHHH!!! That's sooooo gross. The coolest thing is since the whole hospital thing I have been eating better and I stopped eating late. I was cleared for the gym which I will be hitting tomorrow, and I will be returning to work very soon. Booooo! I really enjoyed being home with my son and sleeping at night. I know it's gonna be rough going back to that graveyard shift schedule. Yuck. One more thing happened in the doctors appointment, my doctor set me up with a medical doctors appointment in hope that the medical doctor can start me on the path for (dramatic music) Weight Loss Surgery. Assuming I wanna still go through it. With all that I have been thinking (pause as I break into a Macho Man Randy Savage impression) thinkin' thinkin'. Oohhh Yeah! Dig it! I hope I make the right decision. Pray for me guys. My next blog will be funnier I promise.

my new fear......

It's 8:49am and I'm sitting on my bed looking at my legs. Once able to lift my massive frame and and many a massive bags of laundry. Once able to run around all day playing handball way to horribly for words. Once able to haul ass when a fat dude needed to move. Once able to stand and walk for hours on end at work only to run from one job to the next to do it all again, getting zero sleep leaving me standing in the street wobbling like the last dope head in a hurricane........... My fear is that I will never regain that strength in my legs, that I won't be able to these things and more. You may ask what is wrong? or what can be done? I don't know. I'm 30 years old and waaaayyy too many hundred pounds, yet I feel like I don't deserve this. Now I don't wish bad things on people, well the occasional wish of diarrhea on some people from time to time but that's it. I mean come there are way more deserving people of things like this. I can't go outside and run around in the park with my 5 year old son. The fact of the matter is, I don't know how to fix this and that's even scarier. I will get past this. I will heal.I will be more healthier. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..............