Something you probably didn't know about me....

In this life we all have our own way of dealing with stress and hardships. Some drink, some use drugs, some pray, etc. Well I handle stress pretty well I think. I was blessed with the ability to "think on my feet", I work well under stress. But I am human and I have my breaking points. One thing I do is when I am alone and I have a lot of stress and drama on my mind, I cry. I sit and think or listen to sad music and cry hard. Crying like this helps me release my pain and in essence clears my mind out. One song that breaks me down always is Boyz II Men: A Song for Mama, I can't listen to half the song without crying like a baby.

My reason for opening up and sharing this is I currently am having a lot of issues which to be honest I don't wanna share right now. So as I sat alone at home playing this video repeatedly and crying my brains out. I saw this comment,
"At 3 years ''Mommy I love you."
At 14 years ''Mom whatever."
At 16 years "My mom is so annoying."
At 18 years "I'm leaving this house."
At 25 years''Mom, you were right''.
At 30 years "'I want to go to Mom's house."
At 50 years ''I don't want to lose my mom."

At 70 years "I would give up everything to have my mom here with me."

You only have one mom...love your mom with all your heart!"

This comment bothered me greatly, not because it was offensive or anything like that. It's because in my life I didn't even get a chance to get to the second line. My mother passed away in 1990 around the time I turned 10. I am now 31 years old right now. My mom has been gone for 21 years and it hurts like it happened yesterday. I don't ever think this wound will ever heal. With all the pain in my life, with all the stress, with all the drama none of it will ever compare to the pain I felt when my Mommy died. My heart physically hurts as I write this.

With all that being said I see some hope. I survived losing my mom and everything else in my life. My heart still hurts and will always hurt, yet it beats strong. I still push on. Things are hard right now but I will (God willing) over come all of this. I will rise again like a brilliant fat fucking phoenix!

"And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on

There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me and say to me
I can face anything

And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You'll always be, you will always be..."

I will be alright, I know this because my mother taught me to survive through anything. I never forgot what Mommy taught me, and I never will. I miss you Mommy.

My thoughts on Father's Day.

In this world we have a variety of people, good people and bad people. Good moms and bad moms, good dads and bad dads. Most people I know was blessed with a good mom. Sadly enough a good majority of those people didn't really have active dads, most didn't even see there dads. I on the other hand was blessed with a great father and a great mother. Though in 1990 my mom passed away. My dad without any real help from my family took care of my brother and I. He did it all cooking, cleaning, homework, everything. Eventually my dad did meet someone else but he still made his mark and was a big part of raising me. What bothers me is that during Mother's Day no one ever says shout out to the dads who do moms job. Yet during Father's Day everyone includes the moms. I honestly believe that each parent has there day to honor them and I don't feel one should she be present in the other. Because of these "bitch ass sperm donors" fathers like my self and my friends seldom just the praise we deserve. Don't let the "it's okay" front fool you real fathers are bothered by this neglect. If you forgot to get mom her card and flowers you know see would be hurt and never let it go. Don't diss dad. WHERE"S MY BIG PIECE OF CHICKEN?!?!?!?!?

Bio for....

Hi, I am Jose. I am a fat guy from the Bronx. I am great many other things as well. One of those things that I am is a father. Being a father is a big deal to me. I can't be that stereotypical Dad who sits on a couch watching TV yelling at the kids to be quiet. I help with homework, I talk to my son a lot. To be honest my son is my good friend, my "Bestest Buddy"!

I am a funny guy. I love comedy and love to joke around. Cracking jokes on people is my way of showing love. With all the seriousness in this world I choose to make others smile. I also like deigning and drawing things. I like to express my self artistically. Color is my friend.

I am a big kid at heart. I love to play video games and watch cartoons. I read comics and even play with toys, with my son of course lol. I am also a spiritual dude, I believe in god but I wont bible beat you. I care about people, I hate to see people suffer.

Blogging is something I enjoy doing. I use it to express what I can't verbalize. Certain things I can't say in person and blogging is my voice. In short I am a man, an individual, a father.

Mommy can you hear me?

It's 7:29am on Mother's day, I was awakened because a way too violent and sinful dream. That's not my blog today. As I write this am listening to a Pastor preach on Youtube. Sometimes you need a little on mental and spiritual "cleansing". This is not the subject of my blog today. Today in the spirit of Mommy's Day my blog is about my mom. My mother's name is Rosa Perez, she died in 1990. I think back to beyond 21 years (damn I'm getting old) to a more simpler time, a time where I was a little boy and my mom was alive. My mother was a good woman, very strong and loving. I think I get my heart from her, she cared about people, very compassionate. I remember after my dad was arrested we lost our apartment and my mom made sure I never slept in the street. She got us a new place quick. She made sure I always had a Christmas full of toys and love. **Writing this right now is becoming very painful, I am trying to continue. It's hard to type and cry. Thank goodness I never started a vlog. a fat man crying is not a pretty site.** My mom raised me as best she could. I have memories of her pleading with the Con-Ed workers who came and shut off our power to leave the gas on so that she could cook for me, they did. I remember her nailing in wires to make a shelf on our window ledge to store milk outside in the winter. My mom would make shadow puppets by candle light to entertain me. We would also play cards, board games, and tell stories. Though times were really rough she never let me feel as if they were. As things got better she continued to be a great mom. She read to me and made sure I was a great reader as a young child. She took in my cousin and raised him for many years. She taught him to read when his schools would just pass him along because of his age. She made sure he could read and do it well. My mom didn't play when it came to education, no piss poor grades in her house lol. My mom whooped me only one time. I don't remember what I did but I remember a thick white leather belt and her picking my up by one leg and flash. What happened next I do not remember, but whatever I did I never did again. My dad came home and shortly after that my life got better. Voltrons and kickass toys, fun family trips, good times. My mom will always be "Mommy" in my eyes. While my mom was getting sick and very skinny I still saw her as my happy loving Mommy. They day before my mom died she called the house and she spoke to everyone but when it was my turn to talk to her I didn't because I was playing Super Mario Bros 3. I told them to tell her I would talk to her tomorrow. Well.... I guess tomorrow never came. I miss my mom terribly. I would give my left arm just to talk to her or hug her...
It may seem as if my thoughts are all over the place but due to time and stuff my memories of my mom play like Youtube videos. On this Mother's Day guys I would like to to express this thought. Cherish you moms, you never know when they will be gone. And when they are gone you will never get them back. Over the years my close friends' moms have looked out for me and really shown me love. I would like to tell Nancy, Cookie, Mama Floe(in heaven) thank you and I love you guys.

I had this dream...

Hey guys, I am writing this at 7:31am because woke up from a dream. This dream, i have had for the 2nd day in a row.The first time I had this dream it went as follows, I was in a Midtown / Times Square part of New York City, during the day tragedy strikes. A plane falls from the sky and lands into this area. I am security in the building and I see it happen from the lobby. The plane does not explode. All I remember is the feeling of "OMG! Find survivors gave up people and find supplies to survive." No thoughts of police of EMS. That was yesterday's dream, and today's was little different. This time is was 2 planes and they were a Southwest and an American Airlines. I remember people filling with despair and and I and a few others where trying rally all the people to find a way to survive. I hope and I pray these dreams are not a premonitions of an event to come, I hope they are sending me a message of hope in a seemingly impossible tragedy. To be strong and push forward in during a crisis. Lord I pray this is a message to be strong through hard times. I pray it's not a vision of what to come. I guess this is why I am posting this. I was freaked out so much that I jumped on the PC just to tell this story. People if you can understand any of this please help me understand these dreams better. I am scared to be honest yet I know what I have to do. God Bless you all.

A guide to teaching your kid to steal...

Sup fools, I am back again, been busy but I am here again. So last Friday I took my son out to the movies. If you didn't know I take my son out a lot. So anyway I wanted to see Sucker Punch, it looked like a win. Hot chicks, swords, and geek style violence. Unfortunately we missed the show and the next on was 2 hours away. So my monster and I decided to see his choice Diary of a Wimpy 2. The first one was good so this should be good too. We ran down to buy tickets and snacks. I'm not gonna spoil it but Wimpy Kid 2 is funny, I totally enjoyed the flick. So as we exit the theater I see the next showing of Sucker Punch is about to start. So the devil of movies past pops on my shoulder and I decide to "theater hop". Now to get the boy on track. I raised my son not to steal and to be honest. How am I gonna pull this off? I dip into the bathroom, then scamper off to the snack line. My son starts to say "Father, our movie finished we have to leave through the exit". I tell him we are gonna see another movie and we need to hurry and get snacks. He says "We need to buy tickets". Damn honesty lol. I told him to shut up I will pay on my way out. He bought it. We grabbed snacks and ran and sat and watched the movie. Sucker Punch is like, "You got Girl power in my Artsy." "You got Artsy on my Girl power" "Let's mix them together!". It's a little weird because it's a bad situation that dreams that when she has to do something, she dreams some more. The movie is okay, not a must see. After the movie I told my son about what happened. I explained to him that what we did wasn't cool and we can't do all the time. I apologized to him for lying and he understood. Stealing is not right. What we did was sneaky but no one got hurt. Get off you high horse. Don't judge me! Listen we all "theater hopped" as kids and we came out okay. If you didn't, start now movies are way to expensive. Peace!

The realization of how hard life is almost as hard living through it.

*** WARNING: VENTING ALERT!!! ***

"Send away for a priceless gift One not subtle, one not on the list Send away for a perfect world One not simply, so absurd In these times of doing what you're told You keep these feelings, no one knows What ever happened to the young man's heart Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45, Swimming through the ashes of another life No real reason to accept the way things have changed Staring down the barrel of a 45 Send a message to the unborn child Keep your eyes open for a while In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else There's a piece of a puzzle known as life Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight What ever happened to the young man's heart Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45, Swimming through the ashes of another life No real reason to accept the way things have changed Staring down the barrel of a 45 Everyone's pointing their fingers Always condemning me And nobody knows what I believe I believe And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45, And I'm swimming through the ashes of another life No real reason to accept the way things have changed Staring down the barrel of a 45 And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45, And I'm swimming through the ashes of another life There is no real reason to accept the way things have changed Staring down the barrel of a 45, 45 Staring down the barrel of a 45." Shinedown- .45

Why the lyrics you may ask, well I like this song because it expresses how I feel. I'm not depressed yet still kinda down. Unfortunately we only get one turn at life, no do overs, no "backsies". For me, self reflection happens when I want to lay down. Also the reason why I don't sleep enough, some nights I don't sleep at all. It's easy to say "I'm gonna change that right away", but the truth is if I start changing in the next year then I'm on the right path. I have a huge laundry list of regrets and I guess I have to live with that. Most I can NEVER share with anyone. 45 isn't a sad song that sings about suicide or abortion. For me it says life is incredibly difficult but you are not alone, I'm there going through it as well. I guess I still hold those traditional adolescent issues, I feel alone and know one understands me. My dad once told me his fear is dying alone. My fear, aside from death is being alone. I need some sort of companionship. That's why I am so close to my son. He is the friend I need. It may sound like I am going to close this blog out on a sad note, but I'm not. I'm not down, I aware of what life is. I see it's hardships and challenges and I look forward to the rewards and great times ahead. It's time to quit bitching, strap on a helmet and move forward. When life hits you, you hit harder. And all those be positive type cliches. I'm gonna make it happen Cap'n!