Something you probably didn't know about me....

In this life we all have our own way of dealing with stress and hardships. Some drink, some use drugs, some pray, etc. Well I handle stress pretty well I think. I was blessed with the ability to "think on my feet", I work well under stress. But I am human and I have my breaking points. One thing I do is when I am alone and I have a lot of stress and drama on my mind, I cry. I sit and think or listen to sad music and cry hard. Crying like this helps me release my pain and in essence clears my mind out. One song that breaks me down always is Boyz II Men: A Song for Mama, I can't listen to half the song without crying like a baby.

My reason for opening up and sharing this is I currently am having a lot of issues which to be honest I don't wanna share right now. So as I sat alone at home playing this video repeatedly and crying my brains out. I saw this comment,
"At 3 years ''Mommy I love you."
At 14 years ''Mom whatever."
At 16 years "My mom is so annoying."
At 18 years "I'm leaving this house."
At 25 years''Mom, you were right''.
At 30 years "'I want to go to Mom's house."
At 50 years ''I don't want to lose my mom."

At 70 years "I would give up everything to have my mom here with me."

You only have one mom...love your mom with all your heart!"

This comment bothered me greatly, not because it was offensive or anything like that. It's because in my life I didn't even get a chance to get to the second line. My mother passed away in 1990 around the time I turned 10. I am now 31 years old right now. My mom has been gone for 21 years and it hurts like it happened yesterday. I don't ever think this wound will ever heal. With all the pain in my life, with all the stress, with all the drama none of it will ever compare to the pain I felt when my Mommy died. My heart physically hurts as I write this.

With all that being said I see some hope. I survived losing my mom and everything else in my life. My heart still hurts and will always hurt, yet it beats strong. I still push on. Things are hard right now but I will (God willing) over come all of this. I will rise again like a brilliant fat fucking phoenix!

"And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on

There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me and say to me
I can face anything

And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You'll always be, you will always be..."

I will be alright, I know this because my mother taught me to survive through anything. I never forgot what Mommy taught me, and I never will. I miss you Mommy.

My thoughts on Father's Day.

In this world we have a variety of people, good people and bad people. Good moms and bad moms, good dads and bad dads. Most people I know was blessed with a good mom. Sadly enough a good majority of those people didn't really have active dads, most didn't even see there dads. I on the other hand was blessed with a great father and a great mother. Though in 1990 my mom passed away. My dad without any real help from my family took care of my brother and I. He did it all cooking, cleaning, homework, everything. Eventually my dad did meet someone else but he still made his mark and was a big part of raising me. What bothers me is that during Mother's Day no one ever says shout out to the dads who do moms job. Yet during Father's Day everyone includes the moms. I honestly believe that each parent has there day to honor them and I don't feel one should she be present in the other. Because of these "bitch ass sperm donors" fathers like my self and my friends seldom just the praise we deserve. Don't let the "it's okay" front fool you real fathers are bothered by this neglect. If you forgot to get mom her card and flowers you know see would be hurt and never let it go. Don't diss dad. WHERE"S MY BIG PIECE OF CHICKEN?!?!?!?!?

Bio for....

Hi, I am Jose. I am a fat guy from the Bronx. I am great many other things as well. One of those things that I am is a father. Being a father is a big deal to me. I can't be that stereotypical Dad who sits on a couch watching TV yelling at the kids to be quiet. I help with homework, I talk to my son a lot. To be honest my son is my good friend, my "Bestest Buddy"!

I am a funny guy. I love comedy and love to joke around. Cracking jokes on people is my way of showing love. With all the seriousness in this world I choose to make others smile. I also like deigning and drawing things. I like to express my self artistically. Color is my friend.

I am a big kid at heart. I love to play video games and watch cartoons. I read comics and even play with toys, with my son of course lol. I am also a spiritual dude, I believe in god but I wont bible beat you. I care about people, I hate to see people suffer.

Blogging is something I enjoy doing. I use it to express what I can't verbalize. Certain things I can't say in person and blogging is my voice. In short I am a man, an individual, a father.

Mommy can you hear me?

It's 7:29am on Mother's day, I was awakened because a way too violent and sinful dream. That's not my blog today. As I write this am listening to a Pastor preach on Youtube. Sometimes you need a little on mental and spiritual "cleansing". This is not the subject of my blog today. Today in the spirit of Mommy's Day my blog is about my mom. My mother's name is Rosa Perez, she died in 1990. I think back to beyond 21 years (damn I'm getting old) to a more simpler time, a time where I was a little boy and my mom was alive. My mother was a good woman, very strong and loving. I think I get my heart from her, she cared about people, very compassionate. I remember after my dad was arrested we lost our apartment and my mom made sure I never slept in the street. She got us a new place quick. She made sure I always had a Christmas full of toys and love. **Writing this right now is becoming very painful, I am trying to continue. It's hard to type and cry. Thank goodness I never started a vlog. a fat man crying is not a pretty site.** My mom raised me as best she could. I have memories of her pleading with the Con-Ed workers who came and shut off our power to leave the gas on so that she could cook for me, they did. I remember her nailing in wires to make a shelf on our window ledge to store milk outside in the winter. My mom would make shadow puppets by candle light to entertain me. We would also play cards, board games, and tell stories. Though times were really rough she never let me feel as if they were. As things got better she continued to be a great mom. She read to me and made sure I was a great reader as a young child. She took in my cousin and raised him for many years. She taught him to read when his schools would just pass him along because of his age. She made sure he could read and do it well. My mom didn't play when it came to education, no piss poor grades in her house lol. My mom whooped me only one time. I don't remember what I did but I remember a thick white leather belt and her picking my up by one leg and flash. What happened next I do not remember, but whatever I did I never did again. My dad came home and shortly after that my life got better. Voltrons and kickass toys, fun family trips, good times. My mom will always be "Mommy" in my eyes. While my mom was getting sick and very skinny I still saw her as my happy loving Mommy. They day before my mom died she called the house and she spoke to everyone but when it was my turn to talk to her I didn't because I was playing Super Mario Bros 3. I told them to tell her I would talk to her tomorrow. Well.... I guess tomorrow never came. I miss my mom terribly. I would give my left arm just to talk to her or hug her...
It may seem as if my thoughts are all over the place but due to time and stuff my memories of my mom play like Youtube videos. On this Mother's Day guys I would like to to express this thought. Cherish you moms, you never know when they will be gone. And when they are gone you will never get them back. Over the years my close friends' moms have looked out for me and really shown me love. I would like to tell Nancy, Cookie, Mama Floe(in heaven) thank you and I love you guys.

I had this dream...

Hey guys, I am writing this at 7:31am because woke up from a dream. This dream, i have had for the 2nd day in a row.The first time I had this dream it went as follows, I was in a Midtown / Times Square part of New York City, during the day tragedy strikes. A plane falls from the sky and lands into this area. I am security in the building and I see it happen from the lobby. The plane does not explode. All I remember is the feeling of "OMG! Find survivors gave up people and find supplies to survive." No thoughts of police of EMS. That was yesterday's dream, and today's was little different. This time is was 2 planes and they were a Southwest and an American Airlines. I remember people filling with despair and and I and a few others where trying rally all the people to find a way to survive. I hope and I pray these dreams are not a premonitions of an event to come, I hope they are sending me a message of hope in a seemingly impossible tragedy. To be strong and push forward in during a crisis. Lord I pray this is a message to be strong through hard times. I pray it's not a vision of what to come. I guess this is why I am posting this. I was freaked out so much that I jumped on the PC just to tell this story. People if you can understand any of this please help me understand these dreams better. I am scared to be honest yet I know what I have to do. God Bless you all.

A guide to teaching your kid to steal...

Sup fools, I am back again, been busy but I am here again. So last Friday I took my son out to the movies. If you didn't know I take my son out a lot. So anyway I wanted to see Sucker Punch, it looked like a win. Hot chicks, swords, and geek style violence. Unfortunately we missed the show and the next on was 2 hours away. So my monster and I decided to see his choice Diary of a Wimpy 2. The first one was good so this should be good too. We ran down to buy tickets and snacks. I'm not gonna spoil it but Wimpy Kid 2 is funny, I totally enjoyed the flick. So as we exit the theater I see the next showing of Sucker Punch is about to start. So the devil of movies past pops on my shoulder and I decide to "theater hop". Now to get the boy on track. I raised my son not to steal and to be honest. How am I gonna pull this off? I dip into the bathroom, then scamper off to the snack line. My son starts to say "Father, our movie finished we have to leave through the exit". I tell him we are gonna see another movie and we need to hurry and get snacks. He says "We need to buy tickets". Damn honesty lol. I told him to shut up I will pay on my way out. He bought it. We grabbed snacks and ran and sat and watched the movie. Sucker Punch is like, "You got Girl power in my Artsy." "You got Artsy on my Girl power" "Let's mix them together!". It's a little weird because it's a bad situation that dreams that when she has to do something, she dreams some more. The movie is okay, not a must see. After the movie I told my son about what happened. I explained to him that what we did wasn't cool and we can't do all the time. I apologized to him for lying and he understood. Stealing is not right. What we did was sneaky but no one got hurt. Get off you high horse. Don't judge me! Listen we all "theater hopped" as kids and we came out okay. If you didn't, start now movies are way to expensive. Peace!

The realization of how hard life is almost as hard living through it.

*** WARNING: VENTING ALERT!!! ***

"Send away for a priceless gift One not subtle, one not on the list Send away for a perfect world One not simply, so absurd In these times of doing what you're told You keep these feelings, no one knows What ever happened to the young man's heart Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45, Swimming through the ashes of another life No real reason to accept the way things have changed Staring down the barrel of a 45 Send a message to the unborn child Keep your eyes open for a while In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else There's a piece of a puzzle known as life Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight What ever happened to the young man's heart Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45, Swimming through the ashes of another life No real reason to accept the way things have changed Staring down the barrel of a 45 Everyone's pointing their fingers Always condemning me And nobody knows what I believe I believe And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45, And I'm swimming through the ashes of another life No real reason to accept the way things have changed Staring down the barrel of a 45 And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45, And I'm swimming through the ashes of another life There is no real reason to accept the way things have changed Staring down the barrel of a 45, 45 Staring down the barrel of a 45." Shinedown- .45

Why the lyrics you may ask, well I like this song because it expresses how I feel. I'm not depressed yet still kinda down. Unfortunately we only get one turn at life, no do overs, no "backsies". For me, self reflection happens when I want to lay down. Also the reason why I don't sleep enough, some nights I don't sleep at all. It's easy to say "I'm gonna change that right away", but the truth is if I start changing in the next year then I'm on the right path. I have a huge laundry list of regrets and I guess I have to live with that. Most I can NEVER share with anyone. 45 isn't a sad song that sings about suicide or abortion. For me it says life is incredibly difficult but you are not alone, I'm there going through it as well. I guess I still hold those traditional adolescent issues, I feel alone and know one understands me. My dad once told me his fear is dying alone. My fear, aside from death is being alone. I need some sort of companionship. That's why I am so close to my son. He is the friend I need. It may sound like I am going to close this blog out on a sad note, but I'm not. I'm not down, I aware of what life is. I see it's hardships and challenges and I look forward to the rewards and great times ahead. It's time to quit bitching, strap on a helmet and move forward. When life hits you, you hit harder. And all those be positive type cliches. I'm gonna make it happen Cap'n!

Prayers for the land of Anime, C4 Deathmatches, Sumo, Ninja, Video Games and other cool stuff

Today I woke up like every other day, rushing like a mad fool to get my son to school. When I got back home I ate my breakfast and caught up on the news. "8.9 Quake Rocks Japan, Hawaii braces for Tsunami" is the headline. The thoughts start swirling in my brain. An 8.9 quake isn't a little quake, that's heavy stuff. I looked online for videos and I saw huge waves engulf whole farms in seconds. Cars and homes being tossed about like toys. I think of the children, the families, the lives that were effected in seconds. Japan isn't a third world country but they do need help. The thought of a family torn apart and confused just hurts me. Unfortunately I can't give cash or things like that but I can offer my prayers. I would like to encourage others to do what they can and more importantly prayer. I'm not a bible thumper or a hardcore Jesus freak, but I believe in God. For those who don't believe then offer good thoughts and vibes or what ever you hippies do lol. Just kidding guys. The human race has dealt with this kind of disaster, we get up and rebuild. I do have some good news, I was trading Pokemon and battling people from Japan all day so all is not lost just yet. Pikachu! It is my dream to one day visit Japan and I will go before the big man in the sky takes me away. Below is one of the many sites in Japan I would like to see lol. Well guys I'm off to watch the news and play Pokemon, Gotta catch'em all!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIt_hedcBTc

^^Click^^

Fuuuuudddggee soldering

As you might have guessed it I am have some trouble with my Xbox 360 controller modding. Today I had a rough day. I son got a tooth pulled today and didn't take it well when the anesthetic wore off. So I put him to bed to sleep away the discomfort. Since he wasn't jumping around I decided it was a good time to solder. I got out my supplies and took apart my controller. I'm getting good at taking it apart by now. So I watched my tutorial videos and my .pdf file on installing LED's. After 6 attempts and 6 burned or damaged LED's I give up. So as I sat and sulked I had an idea, Ebay! I searched and found a guy who installs the LED's for ten bucks. So I still have a chance for an ultimately cool ass controller. Unfortunately I didn't make any changes to the controller so I don't have any controllers. Next time kids. Later!!!!!

3 hours and counting....

What a surprise another blog this week? Well it's 9pm and I have been dwelling on the fact that I will be 31 years old. Last year when I turned 30 I was bummed, shortly after my birthday my life got flipped upside down (cue the Fresh Prince theme). I had a Gout attack, I got fired, and I got the call back from School Safety only to get disqualified because I missed an appointment I never knew I had. Along with a gang of drama. A very close friend passed away. I had multiple bouts of depression. Last year was a difficult one.

Now I am looking forward to a new year and the new beginning of Jay. 2010 I burned up and fell this I will rise up out of the ashes like a Fat Phoenix!!! I have a bunch of plans and one of those involve me going to culinary school. I am grateful to God for everything I have and I pray that he is with me on my plans. I just want to be a better very of Chunky. I plan to do more blogging, I also hope I can continue on my Xbox 360 controller modding hobby. Who knows maybe this might turn into some cool hard cash for me. I don't know. This is my life, one crazy ass chunky roller coaster. Still counting...

Ouch Box 360

Hey guys I'm back and not rant about women or life. No today is to talk about me new hobby. I love to design stuff and I have always wanted to customize my stuff. I have watched many a video on how to mod Xbox 360 cases and controllers. So I decided to go and try my hand at modding a controller with LEDs and stuff. I ordered my supplies from Mycustomxbox.com a great site and the guy posts video on how mod controllers. If you want to try modding your stuff or want to pay to get your stuff modded check them out.
Anyway, today package arrived from them and I ran home to begin the modding. So 1st I changed the buttons for some white buttons I bought. I did that pretty quick and was happy with the result.
Looks pretty cool for a 1st step. So I then start to install the LEDs. I re-watched all the videos on how to install them. So I open up the controller and started to remove the original LEDs, and after a little trial and error I removed them without burning the board. I them opened the LED packaging and find that the LEDs are smaller than a grain of rice. Heck about 1/3 of a grain of rice. So as you can imagine I lost one. I then realize that I should have bought magnifying goggles so I could better see what I am doing. Now I could tell you a long drawn out story on how I was careful and installed the LEDs. Well I didn't I lost 2 more and gave up. While putting my tools away...OUCH!!!
I'm not sure if can see the white line but I burned myself. Not on the iron but on the freaking stand. So hurt, defeated and minus 2 LEDs to complete the 4 light set(they sent 5 LEDs), I put everything away and now I have an all white lightless controller. As I currently write this I have ordered 10 more LEDs. I will not give up! I need some light on this thing. After the LEDs are in I am gonna paint the controller. Pics will be posted. Well guys I'm out.

Chivalry vs. Equality

Hey guys you never believe this, the news has actually compelled me to blog. This morning I posted this on facebook "I saw this on the news and I had to ask. Do you think it's sexist for a guy to pull out of a wrestling competition if his opponent is a girl? Do you think girls should compete in against boys in wrestling?" Now as I start to add my own opinion, I figured I might as well blog my response because I need the space to express my thoughts properly and I want to "hush" those people out there who read my blog in the past and asked me when am I gonna write something new. So there nyah! lol
So to answer my own question, I can't honestly answer it. On one hand I have been raised to not hurt women or to take advantage of them. Now in competition you are told to win, to destroy the other guy. Though for the girls in the wrestling competition, they know the risk involved. They know they are gonna get tossed about in the match and may get hurt. But for the guy does he want to be the "guy" who beat up a girl or even worse(in the real world) the "guy" who got beat by a girl, not an easy decision. And let's be real here there is a chance they could catch a "boner" while wrestling a girl, then what? Something you can't help happens now you look like a pervert(and not in a good way). **Side note: Anyone who says "the guys should control his urges." has not been a teenage boy. The slightest breeze can give a guy a boner. Sometimes you get a boner for no reason at all. Every guy has had this happen to them. If they say other wise they are lying or have Erectile Disfunction.**
With that said should a boy be penalized for not competing in that situation? As a father what do I tell my son if he is ever in this situation? In this case I think each individual should make there own decision and is a boy pulls out he should be called a forfeit. If you step into competition you should be treated as an equal. You have to take the good with the bad. Boys should not take advantage(inappropriate touching) yet should not be penalized for unintentional boners.
If you stand as my equal, then you will be treated as my equal. In life the argument of "Chivalry vs. Equality" will come up a million times. I feel you can't have both, ladies need to choose one. To be honest people need to be honest with each other, if you are my equal then don't look for me to be polite or to consider your feeling in different situations. If people were up front with each other I think people would have less conflict. So in the case of the girl who wants to wrestle I say, step into the ring and be prepared. Beat if you can, survive if I let you!!!!

A letter to Jenn....

I know I haven't blogged in a long time. This morning I had an intense dream and I had to write a letter to my cousin Jennifer. Here is my letter to her.

"Hey, I'm writing this to tell you something. Today I woke up from my bed in a crying fit. I mean full on crying. I cried because I really missed your Dad, and I cried for you. Even as I'm writing this I'm still crying. I miss your father terribly, he never judged me and he was my favorite. Every memory I have I cherish them. As for you, well in my dream I saw your pain. All the pain that I know you have been through and the pain I can't even imagine. With all these things that occur in your life your heart is still beautiful. You continue where many would have given up. I love you my cousin and I have not forgotten you. I have no ulterior motives and to be honest I don't understand why I'm writing this to you but something inside me tells me I must. I cried for you not because for pity but out of inspiration and and yes empathy. Just know "Buddah" got your back, I love you."

My uncle was great, though he had his flaws. I miss him so much. My cousin Jennifer has been through so much. I love her too. And for those wondering I stopped crying at the exact moment I hit send on that letter. I still don't why I wrote this or even why I shared this with you guys. My gut just told to do it. And now my gut is telling me it's breakfast time. Later y'all

R.I.P. Tio Johnny. I miss you. "Sabor con Salsa"

Wanted: One manual for slightly used brain.

I need a cool opening for my blogs, hmm.... Welcome true believers- wait that's taken. Oh well I will try this another time. As a child your parents, teachers, family members and so on, start to instill in us that we can do anything and we are all smart. We are told to achieve more and strive for greatness. Reach for the stars! Well I don't know about you guys but this happened to me so bare with me, I have a point. About the time I hit my teens people who once told me I was so smart started to say different things like"Don't be smart with me stupid" and "If your so smart why are acting so dumb?" Now I'm being told "So you got a 100%, what do you want from me?", "You ain't nothing special", and things like that. Praise has now turned to negative criticisms. With all this new found negativity I like most kids in their teens ignored it and block it out with rebellion. Around the time I turned 15 my home life started to crumble, My dad became addicted to drugs and then deathly ill. My step mom fell under pressure and secretly started using drugs as well. I cut class to work in a supermarket packing bags just to make a couple bucks to buy food for my family. After some time my father regained his strength and I returned to class. Because of my time out I fell behind and my grades dropped. I started getting the "You showed so much potential. What happened?" speech from my teachers. All that negativity started to get through my "whatever" shield. I became frustrated and started cutting class with my friends.

I Love my friends!

The rest is history and I hope to turn my history into a book one day. Anyway, many years have past and while doing personal exploration (Soul searching. You guys are DIRTY MINDED!) I realized i still feel like "I ain't nothing special", and all that negative crap stood with me. I think it is a major reason why I am the way i am health wise and professionally. So here I am now trying to reprogram my mind. Trying to get rid of all that negative brainwashing. Damn i wish God gave us a manual with this thing we call a body. This isn't a cry for help or me getting down on myself. It's me trying to understand me. Now I see this and I now I can try to fix it. I'm gonna end this thing with a video my best friend made me. It makes me smile every time.


Yes he misspelled my name!

FML.....Feed Me Lunch

I know I haven't written anything in a long while. Well it's because quite frankly
I wanted to quit. Don't freak I didn't mean on life anything crazy like that. Let me explain, in the beginning of the month I finally spoke to my investigator for school safety and it turns out that because of mistakes made myself and School Safety, I will not be joining the class. I also missed an exam because my mailbox was broken. So I pretty much got screwed by the universe. Well I know everything happens for a reason, but with all this happening I fell into a funk. To add to my funkiness I haven't been focused on dropping weight and I have noticed I am falling back into my old eating habits. I'm afraid I might even have put on a few more pounds. So what am I going to do about you ask? Well I'm going to get all my papers in order for School Safety, I need that job more than you can imagine. I am now looking up some major diet ideas and I will hit that gym hard. My life isn't gonna get better by just sitting on my butt. I have to push my self. I have to make major moves. My son is my inspiration, he has grown so much in the past year. My son is beginning to read and he is just showing new things everyday. He isn't a baby anymore. So now I have a plan now to put it in action.

Single Fat dude in search of a sammich...

Hey guys, welcome to another blog for your favorite fat security dude. Lately I have been in a funk, really confused on what my next move is gonna be. I haven't heard back from the job I have applied for. I am really not sure whether or not I got the job. I am an impatient person. *sigh* I hate waiting, I really wish they would just tell me yes or no. Anyway, let me move on. I have been really down because I freakin' lonely. Waah! I know. I miss being having "that" kind of person to talk to. For those of you who don't know me, I'm not the type of guy who runs around who different chicks trying to be a player. Don't get me wrong, i want to date and meet new people. I'm not into just looking to mess with random chicks like that. An ideal situation would be for me to meet a person and just get to know each other. I know that sounds massively fruity but whatever. So those two things have been bugging me. Fuck it I need a puppy. Well within the next week or so I should hear something and in regards to the chick thing, I'm working on it. I'm gonna make it do what it do baby! Okay I'm out turkeys, see y'all next Bat-time.

Sitting here eating some good thinking of something bad!

So now what? I'm sitting here in a Baskin Robbins having a scoop of badness. I'm looking out the window at people walking by. Looking at chicks walking by and more at couples walking by. I'm not looking at dudes like that!!! I'm looking at how they look as a couple, and how I look better than half of them. Okay a third of them, we are in the Bronx mind you. With all these observations I think, how can I get my swagger back? How do I get back into that meeting people mind set. Chicks have it easy, guys will talk to any chick. No I don't want dudes to try and pick me up! I have a lot to offer a chick. I'm smart, funny, fairly decent looking, loyal, honest, I cook, clean, I'm a great dad, and a TRUE Puerto Rican just name a few. (If ya not sure what the last means drop me a message.) All I want is a faithful, honest, thick chick who can cook and keeps herself and her place clean. I'm equal opportunity. (Female only) Oh yea she has to be willing to try different things.(code word for a Freak in the Bed) I figure I should be able to find that easily in the Bronx or even NYC. This blog post isn't an ad or a cry for help. I'm venting and I realizing its time to put myself out there. And in closing if any of you guys wanna introduce me to a friend..... Cool hook me up son! j/k

Thinkin' thinkin' thinkin'

In the past few days alot has happened in my life. Since this is my blog you are gonna read about it, or not. Well for starters I have received a notice for a position that I was tested for a year ago, it's not a definate thing but it's a chance. I'm getting ready for that upcoming appointment. Also today I went to my doctor's appointment for my legs. I found I actually lost 11lbs, and that I didn't have an arthritis issue. The doctor told my that it was Gout, I know gross. That's right I have uric-acid crystals in my blood stream and in my joints, I have pee crystals in my legs. AAAAAAHHHHH!!! That's sooooo gross. The coolest thing is since the whole hospital thing I have been eating better and I stopped eating late. I was cleared for the gym which I will be hitting tomorrow, and I will be returning to work very soon. Booooo! I really enjoyed being home with my son and sleeping at night. I know it's gonna be rough going back to that graveyard shift schedule. Yuck. One more thing happened in the doctors appointment, my doctor set me up with a medical doctors appointment in hope that the medical doctor can start me on the path for (dramatic music) Weight Loss Surgery. Assuming I wanna still go through it. With all that I have been thinking (pause as I break into a Macho Man Randy Savage impression) thinkin' thinkin'. Oohhh Yeah! Dig it! I hope I make the right decision. Pray for me guys. My next blog will be funnier I promise.

my new fear......

It's 8:49am and I'm sitting on my bed looking at my legs. Once able to lift my massive frame and and many a massive bags of laundry. Once able to run around all day playing handball way to horribly for words. Once able to haul ass when a fat dude needed to move. Once able to stand and walk for hours on end at work only to run from one job to the next to do it all again, getting zero sleep leaving me standing in the street wobbling like the last dope head in a hurricane........... My fear is that I will never regain that strength in my legs, that I won't be able to these things and more. You may ask what is wrong? or what can be done? I don't know. I'm 30 years old and waaaayyy too many hundred pounds, yet I feel like I don't deserve this. Now I don't wish bad things on people, well the occasional wish of diarrhea on some people from time to time but that's it. I mean come there are way more deserving people of things like this. I can't go outside and run around in the park with my 5 year old son. The fact of the matter is, I don't know how to fix this and that's even scarier. I will get past this. I will heal.I will be more healthier. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..............